Grieving Woman and the Gift of Disillusionment - Beauty in the Breakdown

Letting go… the gift of Dhumavati

I’m Sorry… I love you….I remember…There’s no where else to go… It’s a never-ending story…

These phrases echoed through my dream journey repeating again and again. Every time I would come to the last line…”It’s a never- ending story”… I would feel the intensity of forever and would long to release a sorrowful moan or a scream of madness to accompany the excruciating grip of my mind.

Suddenly I found myself wide awake at 3 am, sweating and burning in my bed in a dark night of the soul wishing I could make it stop, that there was somewhere else more gentle, light filled and benevolent my awareness could go.

Burning through shadow… Feeling it all. My darkness… my heart ache, my soul ache, my messy fragmented life… my desire to escape and yet know in the core of my soul…”There’s nowhere else to go”.

So here I am. How do I fully surrender, embrace and breathe through each and every wave of intensity in this one precious life? How do I let go?

Oh Dark Mother, benevolent mother, slayer of illusion. I feel you in the center of my chest, stoking this raging fire of transmutation. I no longer deny the fear that arises every time I rest with your presence in my life. You are the Destroyer. 

I feel the weight of the dawning, sobering awareness of Radical Responsibility. No one outside of me will “save” me from this burning. It is the sensation of my own karmic wheel turning. It is the blessed unrest of my own creation dream and all the drama of the movie I have written, directed, produced and starred in. I feel the way you are working with me to assist me to see clearly. Sweet Kali. I bow.

Kali bows back and moves slightly to the side to reveal another Goddess standing right behind her. She is old and skinny and hunched over in dirty rags like a hag, a toothless witch from a fairy tail. She is even scarier than Kali to me. She is the Goddess of disillusionment, disappointment and failure, Dhumavati.

Oh my dear Goddess! How many faces you have! I cling to my preferences and rage against this frequency. Not you! The ugly one, the Grieving woman, The dark mantle of the Queen of Death… You terrify me! And I resist you. And you remain at the gates of my heart whispering over and over…”Let go.”

Let go of your control, your clinging need, your “look good”, your spiritual beliefs, your identity, your righteousness, your stories, your attachments to your pictures, your desires, your worldly comforts… Let go…

I feel my resistance and the suffering it causes as I cling, with fingernails digging in, to the illusion of the sweet dream. I want to be taken over by the pleasurable, sweet, beautiful pink flowering Grace of Lakshmi or the Creative outpouring of wisdom and the magical musical gifts of Saraswati!

This old crone with her crow… repulses me. When I signed up on some etheric plane to open myself as an embodiment of the Goddess, I missed this one on the cosmic menu.

“It is in the attachment to your pretty, perfect life, in your resistance to change, the hiding of your authenticity, the hedging your bets, the pretending, blaming and denying, the incessant planning and preparing, subtly and not so subtly lying and manipulating to hold on to the illusion of control- that you create suffering”, she says.

“I am you and you are me and we are here together.” Ugghhh! Can I love even this face? Dhumavati is asking me to empty out, to free my heart from worry, fear, resentment and grievance…

Disillusionment is such a beautiful word if we think about it as the dismantling of illusion- the undoing of attachment. Disappointment is interesting too. The prefix “dis” creates a reversing force, so with disappointment we are reversing or canceling our appointment with some expected outcome. It basically means letting go.

So I am going to take a dive off the edge of the cliff with Dhumavati and release, let go and "dis" engage from the madness by embracing and facing the darkness I’ve been resisting. My prayer is that in writing it, sharing it, letting it unravel from the grip of shame and fear and looking at it with focused loving attention – it may be given a chance to return to pure energy and move. Let go! Let go! Let go!

I open up my heart as a cauldron of transmutative fire to embrace each and every repetitive fear picture and story that has been haunting me as a personal and collective dark mythology.

They line up like a chorus line of crippled freaks wearing outgrown masks...these characters I've created within... these pretender voices and shadow players.

As I give my attention to all these twisted thoughts and their accompanying feelings and allow the full arising of the pictures that have been subconsciously haunting me… I notice a similarity in how they all emanate a frequency of "victim" and I also notice a strange, slightly addictive familiarity to a well worn neuro-pathway that causes me to feel exhausted, my throat to contract and my head to ache as I give my full presence to feel them. I see how I so easily attach meaning to these reflections and projections of my mind and constrict around them. I have given them energy and power and fed them with my unconscious attention and belief in them and then unwittingly rode the waves of drama from the subsequent heated desire to resist, avoid, hide, compensate or escape by blaming someone else for them.

They are not me, not true, not real. They are like old programs that no longer function in an upgraded operating system and must be transmuted to be deleted. To do so they must be faced with fierce love and no longer seen through the carnival house mirror of denial.

Now as I hold myself and breathe with each dissonant visitor I had identified with, they drop their masks and dissolve...  I feel them unraveling from my cells, my molecules, my DNA., releasing and detoxing out- back into the Dark Mother. She lovingly takes them, eats them, composts them one by one, helping me to use them for more fuel for growth.

I trust... I release...

Suddenly I am being shown something- lovingly now- a soft, deep resonant voice or presence has opened up behind my right shoulder and whispers in my ear as the screen saver image on this computer changes to the big shaggy head of a golden Lion below this word document…

“You are only the I AM. All of the other words and pictures that follow after those are illusion.”

Thank you for this precious moment of returning. I remember. I breathe a deeper breath with a blaze of light into the back of my heart.


Oh, I love you Great Lion! Vehicle of Durga… Durga, the great Mother Goddess who eliminates suffering, protects her devotees from the evils of the world and at the same time removes their miseries… Her lion represents power, will and determination. Mother Durga riding the lion symbolizes one who posses all the qualities required to get over the demon of ego.

And the screen changes again now to a starry sky below…

I rarely awake from sleep in a state of anxiety and fitful heat waves within. Tonight as I tossed and turned and watched the movies in my mind move from one unpleasant scene to the next I realized that it is in the attachment to the quality of the sensations of thoughts that I truly suffer. If I allow all thoughts and sensations to arise and fall as just data and do not attach or contract around them- they always change.

The moon peeks out from under this Word Document now. She is winking at me and reminding me about her joy as the wave mover. Energy in motion. Water. Heat. Movement within. Tides of sensation.

My beautiful moon, you perfect reflector and projector. I see the rays of the sun shining on you, illuminating you in your perfectly imperfect craggy, barren gorgeousness. You are neither hot nor cold, neither full nor slim, but changing woman, changing only from our perception and the way the light hits you. And your one true job is to pull and release, to move the oceans and the tectonic plates, to magnetize and shape the planet by the simple essence of your presence.

So energy in motion… pure e-motion, our felt experience helps move us and shape us and gives us the raw fuel to travel with. Where we go with it, how we use it, how we chose to respond or react- is dependent on our attachment to the ever-changing pictures and stories that arise with it. So, we decide what is real, by making it matter... again and again and again. This is how the archetypal wisdom of the Creator/Destroyer/Preserver reminds us about radical responsibility.

What are you focusing on? What are you choosing to create?

I am aware of how much I wanted to react, act out and to create from a desire to stop the discomfort I was feeling in my mind. I wanted to change and move the out picturing of my life to try to avoid feeling the pain and inner heat as I tossed and turned inside tonight.

And… like a snake eating its tail in a Mobius loop of cause and effect, I see that the new pictures I dream in from this agitated state would only create more drama and pretense in my life.

Dhumavati offers us rest from the incessant churning. Peace in the stillness… Beauty in the breakdown, release in the void.

I am brought back to this simple prayer:  May I consciously seed new dreams, vision into and connect my creative energy with sensations and thoughts that arise in the vibration of gratitude and joy.

This fear, this despair, discomfort, and contraction is pointing me towards something that is wishing to release and to make way for the pure ground of my being, the vast and peaceful state of my I AM presence to be revealed again.

As I prayed and prayed to the Goddess earlier to deliver me from my suffering and my seeking to understand. Little did I know that I was invoking an aspect of the Divine Mother who happens to be like the patron saint of “the dark night of the soul”.

Dhumavati helps us drop our lofty spiritual goals, let go of our agendas, lay down our ambitious visions, soul searching and esoteric missions. She represents the void and the inner blackness that can be seen as both terrifying or inherently peaceful and restful. Within the emptiness lies the secret to the inner gift of true detachment and the power to soar beyond all circumstances into ultimate freedom.

Now a beautiful, large pink flower in full bloom arrives on my screen saver as my cat walks by in the dark and hits the solfeggio pipes nearby. Each symbol, each metaphor becomes a beautiful reminder! To flower and unfold and ring true and resonate as purely as I can is my soul’s longing.

Feeing the breath moving freely now... cooling the inner fire as I let all the sensations rise and fall and I feel somehow lighter. May I continue to ride the waves with as much ease and Grace as I can.

Thank you Dhumavati. Thank you for helping me to let go tonight. I see you. I embrace you. I surrender.